Memory
by Franta
Summary: Ok, it WAS just a one shot, but now it's not: total angst, and it has no connection to my other stories... post SILVER LINING season 4, I believe... Finished! warning: 5 hanky tear jerker...
1. Chapter 1

This is just a one shot (unless I am urged to go on…), total angst, and it has no connection to my other stories- post SILVER LINING (season 4, I believe…)

Disclaimer: I do not own nor have I ever owned any of the characters associated with Law & Order: Criminal Intent. I write these stories to get some much-needed attention from people who don't know how pathetic I am (that, and I like imagining VDO tripping over his pants, that sexy beast). By reading this disclaimer (which is approaching the length of the ficlet itself), Dick Wolf & Co are waiving any right to sue…

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_"He's like my partner, he likes being left alone to do what he does best: catching bad guys… A year from now, you and that child will be only a memory…"_

Alex followed Bobby out of the interrogation room. He turned to her. "Were you serious?" he asked.

"Serious about what?"

"You really think that in a year-"

"I told her what I needed to so she would talk."

He looked at her like he didn't believe her. "Don't believe for a minute that it's true," he said reaching his hand out to her face.

She swatted it away. _Not in the middle of the hall._ "Bobby, I-"

"Eames," he said more sternly. "Don't believe it for a minute. I wouldn't even be able to 'do what I do best' without you. You'll never be a memory."

"And the child?"


	2. Chapter 2

Wow- thanks for the overwhelming amount of reviews and encouragement to continue! I love it when people think I'm cool! So, without further adue, the next installment:

You might recall that we left off somewhere around the revelation that Alex Eames was pregnant…

Chapter 2

Bobby leaned forward with raised eyebrows as people passed them in the hallway. He didn't say anything- the look on his face said it for him.

And the look in her eyes answered back.

"Eames-"

"Not now- let's wrap this up first." She turned to go back to the observation room.

Bobby reached out and grabbed her arm. "You brought it up."

"And now I'm putting it aside until later." She turned again to leave, be he pulled on her arm. "Bobby, let go of me. Later…ok?"

He let go of her arm and watched her disappear into the observation room where Deakins and Carver had been watching the interrogation.

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Alex slammed her apartment door behind her. "I need a drink," she thought aloud. She walked over to the cabinet that held a bottle of her favorite wine. She reached up to open it, but looked down at her belly. "Damnit," she mumbled. Her hands dropped from the cabinet and she placed them on her abdomen…

There was a knock at the door. She looked up, though she knew who it was. Sighing, she crossed the room and opened the door.

"We need to talk," said Bobby who was standing in the door, obviously whipped by the cold.

"Nice to see you too," she replied dully, turning back into her apartment. Bobby followed her in and closed the door.

"When did you find out?" he asked calmly.

She turned to face him. "A few weeks ago, before we got this case… I wasn't sure how to tell you."

He nodded. "Are you going to keep it?"

"I don't know," she said irritable. She began to pace where she stood.

Bobby walked towards her. "You ok?"

"I don't know!" she shouted, breaking down. Bobby pulled her into his embrace.

"Shh…." He said, stroking her hair. "It's ok… You don't have to know yet." He continued to hold her and stroke her head as she sobbed into his chest. After a while he said, "And we're sure it's mine…"

She laughed through her tears. "Don't be stupid, Bobby."

He tightened his hold on her. "Whatever you need to do, Alex. One hundred percent."

She smiled hysterically and pulled out of his grip.

"What do you think, huh?" she asked, looking at her belly. "Cletus the fetus?"

Bobby smirked. "Not likely. Needs to be something smart," he said reaching out to hug her again.

"What, like Leopold?" she asked while rocking back and forth where they stood.

"Nah, too crazy."

"Crazy like a fox."

"Fox is good," he said optimistically.

-------------- Ok, so, here's the deal. I'm having trouble getting out of my rut of them solving a case AND dealing with the fluffiness I put them through, so I need either encouragement to keep the fluff up with no case-file as a subplot, or I need ideas for a new case for them to solve while dealing with this... developement… review and reply, send me an e-mail whatever… thanks!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapitre 3

Alex Eames sat hunched over her toilet. She had been up since 5 am, and she was not happy. Morning sickness was in its full glory right now and she couldn't even keep down the saltines and lemonade she was been working on… although it might have had something to do with the fact that it reminded her of a case she had once worked on…

She vomited again.

Once she had stopped convulsing she wiped her hair out of her face, took a drink of water from the sink with her hands, and walked hunched-backed back into her bedroom where she picked up her phone and called her partner.

"Goren," answered a familiar voice.

"This is all your fault," she croaked over the phone.

"Eames, Are you ok?" he asked.

"I'm going to be late for work, so you'll have to get yourself there."

"What's wrong?"

Her voice changed instantly. Her tone lightened and she sounded almost silly. "Please pick up some Preggie Pops on your way in."

"Oh, shit, Alex. I'll be right over."

"Don't do that-" But it was too late. She heard a click which told her that he had hung up and was probably already out the door. She walked back towards the bathroom…

Twenty minutes later her knight in shining armor was in her apartment with the requested 'Preggie Pops', which resembled cough drops, but supposedly helped with morning sickness, and some Saltines and Gatorade.

"Bobby, it's not necessary…"

"Nonsense, I'll hear none of it. I'm going to call Deakins…"

"Don't!"

"I'm just going to call you in sick."

"Don't! Let me do it- he'll want to know how you know I'm sick."

"You called and told me," he answered, waving the phone in the air.

"Damnit, Bobby…"

It was too late. "Hi, Captain, this is Goren. I just talked to Eames, she's sick, so she won't be coming in today… Yah, she just called. I told her I'd call for her. I think it's a stomach bug…Yes, sir… No, I'll be in… OK, thank you…Bye."

"What did he say?" Alex asked, as she walked out of the bathroom. She was looking much better.

"He said he'd hear it from you as well-"

"Told you."

"-and wanted to know if I'd be coming in."

"You are, then?"

"Yah, got to. Paperwork, and it's your turn too…"

"I think you'll live," she said sarcastically.

"You get some rest, I'm gonna go in."

"Ok, love you," she said timidly.

Bobby smiled. "You too."

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The next morning Eames walked into Deakins' office (half an hour late). "Captain, there's something I need to discuss with you."

"This wouldn't have anything to do with Bobby, would it?"

Her eyes flashed. "No, sir. I, uh, came to request some leave in about 8 months."

"Eight months? Isn't this a little far in advance?" he asked. However, his curiosity was short lived as he had a moment of dawning comprehension. "Alex, you're-"

"Yes, I'm pregnant. I'm going to need maternity leave probably about 4 or 5 weeks ahead of time, like last time." She was smiling way too broadly, it almost didn't seem sincere... but, maybe it was. Even she didn't know. Part of it was putting on a good face, and the other part of it really was being happy about raising a child of her own… Bobby's child…

"Are you surrogate again," he asked, smiling slightly.

"No, this one's all mine," she said smiling, though she knew what was coming.

"Who's the lucky dad?" he asked.

She laughed nervously. "Uh… No idea, actually… uh, sperm bank. I just decided that I wanted my own. Being pregnant was a wonderful experience and I feel like I'm ready to raise a child."

"Wow, single mother," he said smiling. "You've got plenty of time accumulated, so that's shouldn't be a problem… not like we could make you work anyway," he said with a laugh, while consulting her personnel file he had pulled out of his drawer. "Get me a specific date here sometime soon and I'll file all the necessary paper work for you and Bobby."

"Bobby?" she asked, totally shocked. "Why Bobby?"

"Temporary partner. You remember last time, right?" he said.

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, right," she hit her head. "Temporary partner, right. Any ideas of who?"

"I don't know yet. I'll see about getting Bishop again, though I think she's permanent over at the 1-5 now… Don't worry, I'll get him set up."

"Oh good, he's going to have loads of fun. I wonder if he knows what he's done to himself," she mumbled.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, just thinking out loud… Uh, Ok, thanks so much!"

"Not a problem. Congratulations Alex."

"Thanks!" she smiled falsely as she backed out of his office.

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She closed the door and turned to walk back to her partner.

"What did he say?" asked Bobby.

"Almost the same as last time… well, I started it the same, it was bound to happen… You know Deakins, that man runs on a circuit."

Bobby smiled. "That's good."

"And he's going to get you another temporary partner."

"Crap, I always forget that part…"

Alex laughed. "Don't worry, Bishop's permanent at the 1-5 now…"

"It's not that… ok, maybe that has something to do with it…"


	4. Chapter 4

mmm…brie and sun-dried tomato and olive sam-bu-wich (that's how my teacher's little son, Bennett, says it)… God's gift to this green earth. I wish I could describe the state of serene happiness I am experiencing now…

Chapter 4 

Weeks had gone by, Alex was starting to show, and the news had spread around MCS and now Alex was enduring nothing short of an onslaught on congratulations and inquiries about the father. She told them it was artificial insemination, but a few of them weren't keen to believe her. Of course, more than a few had plans on how to hack or break into the Database that held that information… But they were all just little mischievous detectives who were a) having fun, and b) trying to prove they could live up to the amount of information Goren and Eames seemed to be capable of finding out at any given moment.

This all greatly amused Alex, and she was happier now than she had been in months. Unfortunately, due to the secrecy, Bobby couldn't take part in the public joy. He didn't talk to her about it; he just quietly sat and smiled whenever some one came up to congratulate her, lovingly helped her in preparing her apartment (cleaning was the first step, and it would take a while), and was generally supportive.

While he enjoyed doing all of those things, he quietly resented that they had to keep it a secret. This was as much his doing as it was hers; in fact, it was mostly his doing. _Women don't just get pregnant on their own. It takes two to tango…_But Bobby pushed those thoughts aside. What mattered now was her… second to that was having another temporary partner. That also weighed heavily on his mind.

Alex walked into Deakins office. "Hey Cap, got those dates. I was wondering if I could take off a little earlier than last time, so I can prepare, you know?"

"That shouldn't be a problem, I'll clear it with upstairs."

"You got Bobby's temp yet?" she asked.

"Yah," he said, opening a folder. "Woman by the name of Natasha Larking.

"Hmm, never heard of her."

"Yah, She just made Detective and Chief of Ds wants to stick her in here to see what she's like, how she does…"

"What, does he want to break her?" Alex asked. Putting a new kid with Bobby Goren was practically a death sentence. Somehow, Alex had survived…

Deakins laughed. "I don't know. Just tell him to be nice to her. She'll be here in 2 weeks."

"Ok. Thanks, Cap." Alex shut the door behind her and went back to her desk.

"It's a girl," she said to Bobby.

He looked up, surprised. "What? I thought they wouldn't know until-"

"You're temporary partner is a girl," She said, taking amusement in Bobby's surprise. "Natasha Larking. Newbie…"

"Oh," he said. "Another chick…"

"_Yes,_ another chick. Somehow they seem to think you work well with women. Can't imagine why," she said, rolling her eyes. He grinned and blushed. "I'm going to pull her file."

"To do what?"

"Just to see…"

"Eames, you're not jealous, are you?" he asked smiling.

"No, I just want to see what her record is…"

"Oh please, leave it be. Don't worry, if she's good looking I won't giver her the time of day."

"That helps a lot- what does that make me, meatloaf?" she said crossing her arms pretending to be pissed off.

"No, it makes you Prime Rib. A man just can't handle two steaks at once…"

Alex laughed. "Shut up while you're behind mister."

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"…and you can even eat your Nads…" the TV said, though its audience wasn't listening. The audience was lying on the couch, the female laying on her side in front of the male, who had his hands wrapped around her abdomen. The female's head rested on the chest of the male.

"How are we going to handle being parents?" Alex asked.

"I don't know."

"We don't even live together… technically."

"I've thought about that…" he replied contemplatively.

"Perhaps we should get married," she said, "Andy and Connie did, remember? They had special permission. They were still able to stay together in the same precinct," she said optimistically.

"Yes, but they weren't partners."

Alex sighed. "Damn, thought I had it there for a minute."

"Listen to us, we sound so selfish."

"What do you mean?" she asked, turning her head to try and see his.

"Well, we may have to face the reality that we can't stay partners if we do this right-"

"What do you mean, 'do this right'?"

"Be parents, and raise our kid together."

"But I don't want to not be your partner," said Alex, panicking at the thought of not being able to stay with Bobby forever. "I don't want to loose you," she said almost childlike, digging her head in his chest.

"That's just it- you won't. We can stay at Major Case, but not be partners. We'll still see each other at work, and we can move in together and be a family. It would work." He kissed her head.

"But it won't be the same," she said.

"Eames, Things change. Nothing's the same anymore."


	5. Chapter 5

Just so you know, i am going to finish this fic before i go back to work on 3 Violins. This one isn't nearly as involved as 3 Violins and i've got it all up in my head and i need to get it out before i can go back to work on the other... it's just easier this way...

Chapter 5

Two weeks later…

Bobby walked up to his desk earlier than usual. Alex wasn't feeling well, so he had given her all the comforts she needed, and then headed into work early to get ahead of the paperwork, which was starting to pile up. That, and his new temporary partner was coming in today.

He was sitting at his desk, filling out forms, when a tall blonde woman approached him. She could have easily been six feet tall (which still made her on the short side in comparison to him), was incredibly thin and bony, and her wispy blonde hair was pulled back into a haphazard ponytail.

"Hi, I'm Natasha. Are you Robert Goren?" she said with an incredibly firm voice. Everything about her body said that she might break if you breathed on her too hard, but her voice indicated otherwise.

"Yes, but everybody calls me Bobby. Please, sit down." He got up to pull an extra chair from the desk behind him. "Nice to meet you," he said finally, shaking her hand.

Natasha smiled excitedly. She was, after all, extremely new to being a detective and here she was already at Major Case sitting next to who was rumored to be the best detective in the entire city. "Where's your partner, Detective Eames? I was told she'd still be here."

"She's not feeling well. I think she has a cold."

"Wow, on top of being pregnant. That can't be fun," she said, looking thoroughly concerned.

Natasha was interesting to Bobby. He couldn't tell if she was truly as compassionate as she seemed, or if she was just so new to everything that she was over reacting. Well, he had been the one to freak out this morning when Alex had said that she didn't feel well…

"She's been through it before," he said confidently. "She'll be in later today. So, tell me about yourself."

"Oh," she blushed. "Uhm, I've been in the force now for about 10 years," (she certainly didn't look it), "Uh… I still live with my mother- how embarrassing is that… haha."

Bobby smiled while his chin rested in the palm of his hand. "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?"

She laughed again. "Hopefully here, but you can never be too sure. There are a lot of nutsos out there."

"Where, in the system or on the street?" he said.

She laughed. "Oh, that's a good one… Uh, both I guess…" she laughed again.

"You're a very 'happy' person."

"I try to keep it positive. It's amazing how through 10 years of being on the force you can still get excited about a big promotion."

"I know the feeling," he smiled. Just then, he saw Alex turning the corner from the elevators. "Ah, here she is," he said, getting up to greet Alex.

"Eames, this is Detective Larking-"

"Oh, please, call me Natasha."

"Nice to meet you Natasha," Eames said shaking her hand and sitting down at her desk with a little bit of effort. "Bobby, I've got a doctors appointment this afternoon. He wants to take a look and make sure it's nothing serious. And he's just gonna do my 3 month checkup while I'm there."

"Ok, I'll go with you."

"Not going to be able to do that, Goren," said Deakins from behind as he approached the three detectives. "Got a new case for you."

An "oooh" escaped Natasha. Eames smirked and looked at Bobby, whose return look back her than Natasha might behave like that as a general rule.

"Ah," Alex said, turning her attention back to Deakins.

"Captain, this is Detective Larking," said Goren.

"Nice to meet you. Here's your first case," he said nonchalantly, dropping a folder in her lap. He gave Alex and Bobby a look and then headed back to his office.

"Captain- crime scene?" Alex shouted after him.

"Yep- you know the drill…"

"More now than ever," Alex spat as she got out of her chair and picked up her coat. Natasha quickly got up to offer Alex assistance (which she refused), and eventually Bobby got up, gathering his overstuffed notebook and following the two ladies towards the elevator.

"Where to?" Alex asked as they approached the vehicle.

"Oh, no you don't. No driving," said Bobby, snatching the keys out of her hand.

"Since when do you care- you let me drive last time I was pregnant. And besides, the doctor's office is right over there," she said, snatching the keys back. Goren gave her a look. "Where to, Larking?"

"Uh… Central Park," she said in surprise, reading the sheet in the folder. "How do they get all this typed up and stuff before you even get to the crime scene?" she asked, curiously looking over the folder.

"No idea," said Alex wearily, climbing into the drivers seat and starting the engine (after she buckled up, of course)…


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Natasha watched as Goren approached the body, squatted down, and began to pry open the victim's hand. "There's a note in her left hand," he said, extracting it from the body's grip.

"'Mike did it,'" heread curiously. He looked at Alex.

"Excellent," said Eames, rubbing her hands together. "If only they were all that easy. How about that for a first case for you," she said, nudging Natasha in the shoulder.

She turned to Alex and whispered, "Does he always do that?"

"You should see it when he sniffs them." Alex was totally amused by this. Natasha looked only a little frightened.

"Ok…" she said.

Bobby Goren sprung himself back up out of his squat and said, "Her wallet and cell phone where still in her purse. We've got her mother's phone number."

"Time to find out who and where Mike is," Eames said.

Natasha felt like a total outsider. She might as well have been on the other side of the crime scene tape. The understood everything Goren and Eames were talking about, but hell if she knew what was the motivation behind the way they handled it. She supposed she would understand it in time. Perhaps once she had a partner she would feel just as 'in the loop.' _I don't know_, Natasha thought to herself, _they're awfully close._

Alex stepped away with her cell phone and the victims wallet. Bobby walked up to Natasha. "Why don't you take a look," he said calmly.

Natasha nodded and calmly walked up to the body and tentatively squatted down and examined it. "Victim was shot execution style in the back of the head… no signs of being bound or tortured… she just stood there and let him do it?" she asked, looking up at Bobby.

"You'd be amazed what you'll do when you've got a gun to your head," he said sagely.

"This is really that simple?" she asked.

"Looks that way," said Alex as she stepped back. "Mom said Mike was the victim's boyfriend. I told her we'd be over there to interview her in an hour or so."

"You've got a doctor's appointment. We'll drop you off and go interview her," Bobby said.

"Thanks, _daddy,_" she said sarcastically.

"You're welcome," he said simply before turning back to the body.

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"Mrs. Ludwig, how long has Anika known Mike Noon?" Natasha asked.

"They started dating a year ago," she sniffed in reply.

"Was he ever violent with her?"

"Never, but…"

"But what?"

"He found out that Anika had an affair… he swore he'd kill her." She broke down crying. Natasha gave Goren a furtive look.

"So," said Bobby, "was he possessive of her in any way? Even though he was never violent with her?"

"I don't really know. I hardly ever saw them. They seemed so in love…"

"Then how did you find out about the threat?" Natasha asked a little suspiciously. She would have to tone down her blatant curiosity in the future…

"She called me and told me. She was so upset. So she came over- we ate ice cream, had a girls night out." She smiled through her tears.

"Mrs. Ludwig, the nature of you daughter's death- the note in particular- indicates that Anika might have actually come to terms with her death."

"The god thing," Natasha added quickly, "is that she identified her killer, and we can prosecute him."

"I want him to pay for killing my little girl," she said defiantly.

"Do you know where we can find him?" Bobby asked.

"They shared an apartment in Queens. I'll write down the address."

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Alex and Natasha stood at the door of Mike Noon; Goren was standing behind them. Alex knocked on the door and a gruff young-looking man answered it. "Yes?" he said.

"Are you Mike Noon?" Alex asked. She sounded a little intimidating for a pregnant woman.

"We have some questions about Anika Ludwig."

"Why? Bitch turn up dead?"

"It sounds like you were there, Mike," Anika said.

"Maybe I was."

"Music to my ears," Alex said as she pulled out her handcuffs…

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"Good work guys," Said Deakins. "I hear Noon confessed in record time- and Detective Larking here did all the dirty work." Natasha smiled.

"How did we wind up with this one?" Alex asked.

"Hot Zone of the Month."

"Ah… well, I'm going home. Doctor says I need sleep."

"_I _say you need sleep," Bobby chimed.

"I'll try to have a better case for you next time," Deakins said with a smile.

"Can't wait," Alex said, gathering her things.

"See you tomorrow Natasha," Bobby said as he followed Alex towards the elevator.

"Bye!" She waved at them. Not bad for a first day of work; totally crazy, but not bad…

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Apartment of Alex Eames 

"What's up, Bobby?" Alex asked, wrapping her arms around him from behind.

"I wish I could have talked to Noon more… find out why Anika faced her death the way she did."

"Maybe you can talk to him in prison on you day off," she said supportively.

"Yah, I guess… there's always more…"

"Sorry you didn't get to play," she said in a kid-like voice.

"I don't get to play?" he asked, grabbing her arms and pulling her around in front of him before lifting her off of her feet, planting a raspberry on her pregnant belly, and carrying her off towards the bedroom…


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

2 Months Later…

Mark Ceraso pulled out of his driveway. He backed up, cut the wheel, and then sped off down the street towards his destination. He hardly ever drove, but his baby (a '76 T-Bird) needed some love. It had been sitting in the garage for 2 whole weeks now- Ceraso's wife had insisted that Mark try to loose a few of those vanity pounds by walking to the subway station and work.

But now, it was his time to play (or rather, 'be sick in bed' as he had told his wife and boss). It was a fairly empty street. It was that blissful time between rush hour and lunch when you could actually move around the city in a car.

He sped down the deserted residential street, cut left at the corner, and _BAM!_ hit the drivers side door of a large blue SUV. He hit his head on the steering wheel and passed out.

When he awoke about 5 minutes later he looked up to see paramedics everywhere. His car was totaled. "My car, my car," he mumbled. He would have been in total distress had he not bee too preoccupied with the paramedics who were rolling him- he couldn't move, his head was bound to whatever it was he way lying on- into the ambulance. He could just make 2 other stretchers and a large tall man standing beside one of them.

"The other car, shit this is all my fault…" he mumbled again. When he realized that his attempts to start a conversation and get some answers were in vain he finally asked, "What the hell is going on?"

"Mr. Ceraso, you were in an accident, we're taking you to the hospital. Do you have any immediate family members we can contact?"

"My wife, at work…" he said, gently reaching up to touch the bandage on his forehead. "What about the other car- the driver? Is she ok?"

The paramedic turned and shouted to the driver, "What's the stat on the other car?"

"One male, 2 females. The 2 females are on buses, the male wasn't injured severely."

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Natasha opened her eyes and tried to move her head to see more than the ceiling of some room, but couldn't. Just as she was getting ready to speak a man's head appeared in front of her eyes. "Ma'am, you were in an accident. We're taking you to the hospital."

"I can't," she said breathing heavily. "I have to interview…"

"Ma'am, you have to. Please try not to move."

"Eames, Goren- how are they?"

"Ma'am, please relax. Do you have any immediate family members we can contact?"

"My mother. Her number's in my purse… what about… Alex…" Natasha passed out again.

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Goren quickly jumped into the ambulance. "Eames," he said loudly. "Eames, can you hear me?"

Suddenly the beeping increased and got very loud. "She's crashing," one of the paramedics said. "Sir, please back away." The paramedic pulled out a defibrillator.

"Wait- she's pregnant!" Bobby shouted.

"Sir, it's ok. Please back up." The paramedics managed to get her pulse back after a couple of tries. They put an oxygen mask over her face and hooked up some fluids through an IV.

Bobby grabbed her hand again. "Eames… Eames… Alex!" He shook her hand.

Her eyes slowly opened and she looked up at her partner, who was shaking her hand profusely. She winced, but not at her hand. There was a pain in her abdomen. Alex began to moan and thrash around. The pain was unbearable.

"What's happening?" Bobby asked. "Why is she in pain?"

"The baby is in distress, we're going to have to deliver the it-"

"She's only 5 months in!" he shouted.

Just then the ambulance screeched to a halt and they quickly pulled the gurney out of the back and rolled her into the hospital. Bobby jumped out of the ambulance and ran after Alex, but was stopped as she went through the doors towards emergency surgery.

"Sir, you can't go in there."

"That's my partner- you have to-"

"Sir, only family is allowed to-"

"That's my wife!" he shouted in desperation, though he knew he was lying.

"I can only allow you in to see her after she's through," the doctor said, managing to get Bobby to calm down.

"How long will that be?"

"I'm not sure."

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Fifteen minutes later Bobby was allowed through the doors and into a room where he saw a bunch of nurses and staff hurriedly working around the smallest infant he had ever seen.

"Is that-" he started, but he couldn't finish. He was speechless. "Where's Alex?" he asked finally.

"She's still in surgery. She had several broken ribs and a punctured lung. She went into distress, which is why we had to perform a c-section to deliver the baby. It's a little girl."

Bobby nodded, tears leaking down his cheeks

"Sir, the chances of an infant that small surviving are slim-"

"I want to see her," he said.

The doctor nodded and stepped inside the room. He talked to one of the nurses for a minute. The doctor nodded and then came back out to where Bobby was standing, watching through the glass.

"Mr. Goren, the baby is just too small, and her heart is underdeveloped. If you'd like to hold her before-"

Bobby walked into the room without a word. The nurse turned and Bobby saw his daughter. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was slow. She was asleep. The breathing tube in her nose had been removed and any evidence of medical intervention had been stripped away. She was so small… The nurse handed her to him. She weighed barely anything in his arms.

"Hello, Alexandra," he said softly, tears swelling in his eyes. "Your mommy can't be here right now, she's…" he trailed off. A tear dropped onto the infant's face and Bobby kissed the spot where it landed. "I'll tell her how beautiful you are…" he barely spoke above a whisper.

Robert Goren stood there and looked at his tiny daughter… and watched as her breathing stopped and she died in his arms.


	8. Chapter 8

The onslaught of reviews was amazing… All I can say is that it _is_ labeled as an angst fic… I thought for sure a few of you would get suspicious at all of the happiness… WWGD?

…and I did cry when I wrote chapter 7, which happened to be while I was babysitting and watching Monsters, Inc… it was very weird…

Chapter 8

Bobby slowly stepped across the threshold into Alex's room and he was carrying something small wrapped in a blanket. She had only just gotten out of surgery and the prognosis was good, but she was still asleep from the sedatives.

"Alex," he said softly. "I thought that maybe… you'd want to say goodbye…" He brushed some hair out of her face and she stirred.

"Bobby?" she said, opening her eyes and sitting up with some great effort.

"Alex," he said, tears swelling in his eyes again, "I don't know how to tell you…" he held up the tiny bundle of blankets. "She didn't make it…"

Her eyes were wide open now, and she looked terrified and confused as she pushed aside one of the blankets and saw the face of her baby girl. She immediately began to sob and held the baby tight against her chest. Bobby put his hand on her arm. "They had to, or neither of you would have survived…"

She nodded, sniffled, and raised her head. "Ok," she said. She handed the baby back to Bobby. "Did you name her?"

"Alexandra."

Alex smiled before collapsing into Bobby, who leaned against her as best as he could with the baby in his arms.

"It's ok, he said. "We'll make it through it…"

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Captain James Deakins walked into room 115 and looked at his two detectives, who were asleep. Alex was lying in her bed, and Bobby was in a chair with his arms crossed on the side of the bed and his head buried in them. There was a hospital bassinette on the left-hand side of her bed, but it was empty.

"Eames," he said softly. "Alex, are you awake?"

It wasn't Alex, but Bobby, who stirred. "Captain," he said groggily.

"Hey Bobby. I heard about the baby, I'm so sorry. I was so happy for you, too."

"How did you-"

"I assumed… it just made sense." Bobby nodded. "How is she doing?" Deakins asked.

"She's alright. We're going to need some time."

"Of course. You guys take all the time you need. We'll be ready when you are."

"Thanks Captain. How's Natasha?"

"Freaked out, but ok. She was so worried about Alex. I found her a partner and she's permanent at Major Case now."

"That's excellent. She really was doing well."

"Yah, I told her she could join us on the condition she got a place of her own. I didn't think that it was good for her psyche to live with her mother and be a Major Case detective. I'm sure you would agree."

"Independence is a good thing," Bobby agreed.

"Well, tell Alex I came by."

"I will."

Deakins left the room and Bobby fell back asleep against the bed.


	9. Chapter 9

Lyrics belong to Sting, that master poet. If only his music were as eloquent as his lyrics…though i must say this song has the best music to match the style...

Chapter 9

_I watch the Western sky  
The sun is sinking  
The geese are flying South  
It sets me thinking_

_I did not miss you much  
I did not suffer  
What did not kill me  
Just made me tougher_

_I feel the winter come  
His icy sinews  
Now in the fire light  
The case continues_

_Another night in court  
The same old trial  
The same old questions asked  
The same denial_

_The shadows closely run  
Like jury members  
I look for answers in  
The fire's embers_

_Why was I missing then  
That whole December  
I give my usual line:  
I don't remember_

_Another winter comes  
His icy fingers creep  
Into these bones of mine  
These memories never sleep_

_And all these differences  
A cloak I borrow  
We kept our distances  
Why should it follow_

_I must have loved you_

_What is the force that binds the stars  
I wore this mask to hide my scars  
What is the power that pulls the tide  
I never could find a place to hide_

_What moves the Earth around the sun  
What could I do but run and run and run  
Afraid to love, afraid to fail  
A mast without a sail_

_The moon's a fingernail and slowly sinking  
Another day begins and now I'm thinking  
That this indifference was my invention  
When everything I did sought your attention_

_You were my compass star  
You were my measure  
You were a pirate's map  
A buried treasure_

_If this was all correct  
The last thing I'd expect  
The prosecution rests  
It's time that I confess:_

_I must have loved you_

Have you ever noticed how death drags out time? People say "my mother died on January 8th, 2002" but what they fail to mention is what they were doing before hand, the actual death itself, the events following it, notifying all of the relatives, the planning of the funeral, the funeral (whether or not you invite everyone), after the funeral, cleaning up, getting your emotional shit together, and then dealing with the deafening silence after your emotional support has packed up and resumed normal life.

So, when I say that "I lost my baby on December 12th, 2004," I'm really saying this:

It's amazing what you associate with death. Every time Bobby and I are driving in the car and I see a red car turn the corner I think about the accident. Every time I smell olives I think of Bobby's cheek against mine in the hospital. I don't know why he smelled like olives. And every time I see pink I think of my little girl. I threw out all of my pink. I can't stand the sight of it.

I finally plucked up the courage to call my mother (2 weeks after the fact) and tell her about the accident and loosing the baby. I wouldn't let the hospital call her- I just made it harder on myself and I don't know why. I can't imagine Bobby even tried to tell his mother. I know he went up there the following Sunday like he always does, but I doubt he told her. It would take too much energy to explain it all. I didn't ask. Then, after calling my mother, I had to call my father, my sister (who had to tell my nephew), my aunt, and my best friend who lives in California now. It's a good thing I ran out of relatives relatively quick.

Bobby and I are keeping the ashes. They're in a little box on the mantle labeled "Alexandra Lilly Goren." I try not to look at it. For some reason the box is pink. There was pink everywhere. I got nothing but pink sympathy cards, pink flowers, and pink fucking everything. I almost couldn't deal with it.

Bobby found me in the bedroom crying and he laid down with me and let me cry. I feel like such a wuss sometimes. He was there when it happened. He was holding her when she died, and he puts up such a brave front. I wish he knew he doesn't have to be so brave all of the time. But maybe he does know…

Natasha came over and we watched chick flicks and cried over all of the hot guys. I wished aloud that I could marry Paul Bettany and Tasha said that I already had a hottie. I looked over at Bobby, who was cooking in the kitchen. He blushed, and I think that was the first time that I truly smiled. He is "a hottie." I'll have to tell him that someday.

Once I finally realized it was time to go back to work I was afraid that I couldn't do it. Bobby said I could because I had him, and now I have his ring. We got married and the only people we told were our families and Deakins, who said he'd get around to filing the proper paperwork "eventually." Smile number 2. I wear my ring on a chain around my neck, andBobby keeps his in a pocket in his wallet.

I know it all sounds so lame and lethargic, but that's what made it easer to go back. Granted, we're still hiding something from the rest of the world, but we're ok. I have to talk to Deakins in the morning. I need some leave in about 8 months.

I know a picture says a thousand words, but sometimes 8 words have to suffice for 529.

_Fin._


End file.
